Grave news, fellow residents of College Park. This night I witnessed an unidentified flying object first hover, then glide, then zoom away into the night. The craft appeared vaguely circular, with mellow yellow lights illuminating its dark exterior. I at first supposed the unsolicited visitor to be a helicopter, but it made no noise, and I don't grant a helicopter the strength to withstand such winds as the area has endured tonight. I believe the craft to have been abducting the residents of our dear College Park. Word on the ground is that the ship's crew has a strange attraction to long fingernails, so I'd advise you trim them if you plan on going outside. I'll be updating you on the situation periodically. No worries, I'm looking out for you.
- Robert Wolfe
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